Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm calling in blind this morning. I can't see myself going into work today.

   Confucius says "Christmas trees are like priests...their balls are just for decoration"......

   wants a hippopotamus for Christmas.

   AOL has announced that they're going to lay off one-third of their employees. On the bright side, it's AOL, so they're going to do it slowly and with frequent interruptions.

   wake me up when is xmas over coz I cant afford buy any presents....

   I went through three magazines on the train yesterday. I'd killed a dozen people before they managed to wrestle the gun off me

   thinks It's easier to seek forgiveness than ask for permission.

   Congratulations! You're not illiterate

   may not be Santa, but it doesnt mean he hasnt seen you while you're sleeping...

   End discrimination. Hate everybody!

   Rehab is for quiters

   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

   says: Is it just me or do all the people in "The Snuggie" commercials look like they are in a cult???

   Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

   Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

   putting on his mistletoe belt buckle

   Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? I bet hes not laughing out loud

   Procrastination is like masturbation...if feels good while you're doing it but in the end you only f*cked yourself

   ... "No Prince Charming Riding Up On a White Horse Anymore", Girls are Done With All Those Pointless Fairy Tales. Now It's Time to Wait For Some Real MEN .... as Jacob The Werewolf and Edward The Vampire, hahah !!!

   farts with the sole purpose of making you smell better