Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Know what I love about my dogs? I can lock 'em in the trunk of my car for an hour, and when I open it, they're excited to see me. Can't do that with a wife...

   money may not bring her happiness. But she'd rather cry in a Mercedes than in a bus.

   instant superhero, just add alcohol

   If a person offends you, do not resort to extremes, simply watch your chance and hit them in the head with a brick.

   3 blondes comes across some tracks. 1st blonde "Its deer tracks!" 2nd blonde "No! Dog tracks!" 3rd blonde "No! Its bear tracks!" They were still arguing when they were hit by a train.

   proven the myth that a bird will always crap on a freshly washed car... Now, where'd I put that bb gun?

   at 8:45 pm , facebook had an EPIC FAIL

   Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!

   dreamed he ate a 10lb marshmellow, when I woke up the pillow was gone!!! WTF

   thinks you should get compensated for every popcorn kernel that doesn't pop in every bag of popcorn

   the best things in life...involve rum!

   Women often wonder why men drink so much. Well the answer is simple. If you're not going to make an effort to improve your appearance, someone has to.

   I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

   I used to call my ex wife 'Treasure.' It wasnt because she was precious to me. It was because everybody kept asking where I dug her up from.

   The Internet: Where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI

   thinks people who say they don't swear haven't had the right sex or food.

   If you want to buy some marijuana,press the hash key now.

   I went to the docs the other day. He told me to stop eating so many eggs. I said " Why? Is my cholestorol that high?" . He said "No but your farts are absolutely f *cking rank!!"

   Women who think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach are aiming a bit too high.

   Thinks i'm going to answer the phone at work all day today saying ''Hello, this is Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color"?