Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mickey Mouse is now 81 years old. He's now the oldest rodent in show business, unless you count that thing on Donald Trump's head.

   The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.They sent me Diana Ross

   I used to have an invisible friend, then I stopped going to church.

   Hasnt Slept since thursday night.....Id like to request a moment of silence for all the innocent Brain cells lost over the events of the last 48hrs, you will be greatly missed. kk time 4 sleep

   I was bored so I went to Walmart, Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while then yelled very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!” boy was that employee freaked out!!!

   I was about to put something very profound here, but I couldn't think of a thing...

   We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

   Apparently while handling guns in the hunting department at Walmart, it's not a good idea to ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are

   Only great, awesome, wonderful people can read this. And only the truly gifted can actually comment on it!

   A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

   "Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts."

   I get this funny feeling that people are reading the things I type here but maybe I'm just being paranoid.

   Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right!

   I got me some new underwear today! Well they're new to me anyway...

   Today's comment intentionally left blank.

   I heard the Japanese have invented a camera with a shutter so fast that it can actually photograph a woman with her mouth shut! Isn't that amazing? Before you show your hurt feelings, just keep in mind THIS IS A JOKE, no one can create a camera that FAST

   Always take life with a grain of salt... Plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

   I was waiting for a call last night so I put my phone under my pillow, woke up this morning - phone was gone and $1 was in its place...damn tooth fairy....

   The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty ****ing cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?

   I've got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. All he does is eat, drink and be Mary.