Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to do something different tonight so am thinking about sitting on the TV to watch the sofa!! hehehe

   The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old, I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

   In every loss, in every lie, in every truth that you'd deny And each regret and each goodbye was a mistake too great to hide!! " linkin Park - New Divide"

   at the ATM the other day and an old lady approached and asked me to help check her balance.....So I pushed her

   police are investigating the 7 winners of last weeks euro lottery syndicate, they dont believe that 7 people from liverpool actually had a job!!!

   The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the toilet.

   Up-Up, Down-Down, Left-Right, Left-Right, B-A, START.

   on the air go ahead caller

   i realized I really dont have to watch games, movie award shows, music award shows or anything else to that effect anymore... all I have to do is come on facebook and I have a detailed play by play of every minute of it right on my news feed!!!!

   If your relationship status says, "It's complicated", you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "single"

   dropped his glasses in the toilet. As a result, he now has a crappy outlook on life.

   The good thing about Alzheimer is that you meet new people every day.

   Catching a yellow-jacket in your shirt at seventy miles per hour can double your vocabulary.

   Diamonds are a girl's best friend... Dogs are a mans best friend... Now, who's the smarter sex?

   Men are like place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

   Dirty deeds and they're done with sheep.

   The beatings will stop when morale improves.

   No, you can't not never ever use quadruple negatives. it's just bad grammer.

   wishes Jimmy Football was more like Billy Mays-DEAD!

   I'm not really concerned about swine flu. > Here's my concern. > > 3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . . Mad Cow disease. > 2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu. > This year, Chinese calendar year of