Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Erin Culbertson Did you know that a woman has 3 knees and a man has 4 knees? A woman has a left knee, a right knee, and a hiney. A man has a left knee, a right knee, a hiney, and a weenie.

   Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

   ..is stealing everyone's watches and changing all the clocks at work. "What? 5 o'clock already? See ya!".

   A blind Indian girl wanted me to touch her clothes to see how soft they were. I felt sari for her.

   Black cats, ladders, broken mirrors, guys named Jason. I hate Friday the 13th.

   just doesn't get it. I go through the drive thru at BK and I hand the kid my credit card. He asks me if it's an American Express... He had my card in his hand; what do you suppose he thought the orange and yellow Mastercard logo was?

   thinks there should be some kind of test for babies in the delivery room; and if they're going to grow up stupid they should be neutered immediately.

   I got 2 chickens to paralyze. Thanks Eddy Money for getthing that song into my head this morning. On a side note, I'm getting hungry for KFC.

   It's Friday 13th. I think I'm going to break a mirror, walk under a ladder, let a black cat walk past me, open an umbrella indoors, spill some salt, wear a hat to bed, step on a crack in the sidewalk.... then call somebody I hate and see if she wants to

   wishes he was in Tijuana, eating BBQ'd iguana.

   did it like this, I did it like that, I did it with a whiffle ball bat...

   loves it when his wife butters his toast.

   : Happy Friday the 13th!! Hockey mask... Check... Machete... Check...

   thinks running around a field whilst waving a metal pole in the air is way more exciting when lightning is involved

   filled with corn syrup, artificial ingredients and regret

   recommends staying away from Camp Crystal Lake today.

   just tossed his wifes salad... with a lovely sesame ginger vinaigrette.

   may appear offline

   After my divorce, I realised that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.

   a confused vas deferens, it doesnt know if its coming or going...