Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you can have a warm glass of shut the hell up, now you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep....your in my world now grandma!!

   -If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.

   what's the difference between 'Live Feed' and 'News Feed?' Isn't all the news supposed to be Live!!!

   I got my free meal from Applebee's today, it was good to see fellows Vets of all ages getting it in. Although I swear some of them old guys look like the may hay survived the war of 1812 I'm glad we enjoyed it together. Now who's pouring free DRINKS for u

   If you add me as your friend and I ignore you.....Do move on it's just facebook. Don't change your name and profile picture and add me again! The request will still be ignored! I still know it's you!

   THE ALIENS ARE ATTACKING EARTH ON FRIDAY. THEIR PLAN IS TO KIDNAP ALL THE BEAUTIFUL & SEXY PEOPLE.. DONT WORRY, YOU'RE SAFE... I JUST WANTED TO SAY GOODBYE, PLEASE CHECK IN ON MY MOTHER IN LAW EVERY NOW AND THEN

   make love, not babies.

   Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius

   I'll tell you something about Lapinski. When she gets a gas bill, she writes all over it with a thick black felt tip, THIS DOES NOT EXIST, and sends it to the gas board

   flying without wings... after discovering beans and onion together~

   wondering if he's the only one who thinks the lady who got attacked by a chimp and showed her face on Oprah looks like a teenage mutant ninja turtle

   having an I will never drink again moment!

   hates when you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???

   hates people who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

   hates when people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

   hates people who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

   hates when people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?

   I need to start speaking my mind because my tongue is starting to hurt from biting it!

   Money can't buy happiness. But it can buy marshmallows, which are kinda the same thing.

   W.T.F. - Wednesday, Thursday, Friday...the weekend's almost here!!