Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Change is good..especially if you wear diapers!

   So excited: my DVD collection of "Hoarders" is almost complete! And on VHS! Also on Blu-ray and 8mm film. And LaserDisc. Where is my cat?

   I wish there was a "I liked your Facebook status until every one of your moron friends had to comment on it

   The Klondike Bar found out what I did for it, and now it's blackmailing me."

   I personally know that being stupid is its own reward

   White Chocolate Milk. Tell me your mind wasn't blown just now...

   "Let's save this so we can throw it away in few days" - Tupperware

   Watching CNN coverage of Irene, reporter is standing holding on for dear life... ready to fall over from the wind... 75lb. girl walks by with her ipod on walking her dog and not even off balance. AMERCIA at its best!

   Turns out, if your boss is mad at you, playing a surprise game of "Got Your Nose" will NOT ease the tension.

   Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner

   Now my friends all hate me because I've been keeping my enemies closer.

   When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up its the same thing as having a kidnapper tell you to keep in touch.

   To the lady I just read about in the personal ads. It's all in how you word things. Don't say you are divorced and have 3 kids. Say you are experienced and have 3 tax deductions.

   I don't keep a gun in my house but I do have a carefully positioned cactus.

   I find it hard to sing the Beach Boys without using my "girl" voice.

   When someone says ¨ I'm so pissed off I can't even think straight anymore¨ does that mean they are having homosexual thoughts?

   Paperclip: The staple for people with commitment issues.

   Donald Trump is no longer president. If you're still talking about him, then it sounds like you have an unhealthy obsession with Trump but ok.

   Every time a Christmas tree is lit before Thanksgiving, an elf drowns a baby reindeer.

   it bad when I'm talking to myself and I'm not even listening?