Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't have mistletoe this year, so we'll just have to kiss under the influence.

   I hope the new Superman movie is just two hours of Clark Kent frantically searching for a phone booth.

   Some people and their damn event invites, they're like the Jehovah Witnesses of Facebook!

   Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?

   Life is all about ass. You're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it or trying to get a piece of it.

   I've created my own cookbook by binding all the food delivery flyers together.

   Ever show someone how to do something and then instantly regret that you ever did?

   I ignored your Facebook Friend Request only because there isn't a ''Oh Hell No!'' Button!!!

   I can tell by the way you give me instructions that you've dealt with a lot of dumb people before me.

   The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.

   Breaking News: Miley Cyrus to star in prn movie called "Hannah Does Montana"

   I bet if you look up "dictionary" in the dictionary,, it just says "this."

   Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don't really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don't really mean it.

   Allstate says your rates won't go up if you have an accident. Yeah, because they will cancel your policy!!

   Sleeping naked tonight. I'm leaving this world the same way I entered it. Naked.

   My life is a constant panic attack occasionally interrupted by a nap

   I was trying to make a sandwich. But I'm all out of vodka.

   Just dismissed my low battery warning while watching a p orn. It's a fight to the finish now.

   Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2019,,,,, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

   That hilarious moment when someone tries to make you jealous, when you honestly don't give a fuck.