Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If coffee or booze can't fix it, then it's a serious problem.

   They say money doesn't buy happiness, so I'm willing to go out of my comfort zone and test out that theory for $100,000,000. I promise to document any frowning while paragliding, jet skiing, driving a Lambo or flying in my G5

   Sometimes I like to pet another dog while making eye contact with my dog. Adds just the right amount of tension to our relationship.

   Whenever I see a group of girls talking I just barge in and say "he is such an a$$hole" and just like that, I'm part of the group.

   Even if women came with a set of instructions, men would toss them aside without reading them.

   If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn't, you should know that I ignored you first.

   Have you ever said something and immediately thought "I didn't know I knew that."

   Someone on FB called me a clown. Now I've got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that's what clowns do.

   If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there'd be no problems.

   I will climb the highest mountain. Swim the deepest sea. I will cross the desert land. I would do anything to get away from you.

   Having kids is a lot like living in a frat house. Everythings sticky and your not quite sure why...

   Today feels like a pull the fire alarm kinda day.

   The saddest part in The Lion King 3D is that part when I can't afford a movie ticket at 27 years old.

   Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please take them off.

   I didn't text you to exercise my fingers, I want a damn reply.

   Get ready for a thousand Gaddafi jokes *yawn*

   Friends are forever, until they are in relationship.

   always snickers when people say their computer went down on them.

   "I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone."

   The other day, Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring.