Funny Status Messages

   I never leave the house because my phone charger cord isn't long enough.

   Yes, I'm in a complicated relationship. Trying to decide which hand to use makes things more difficult than you can imagine.

   You can pour coffee into the reservoir marked “water” on your coffee maker. You can do this as many times as you want!!! Science!!!

   There's no I in TEAM but if you rearrange the letters you can spell MEAT and EAT M. See, I can turn anything you say into something dirty

   The world is effed up when boy bands sing about Jack and country singers sing about Crown...

   The price humans pay for walking upright is being the only species on the planet that has to wipe their ass after a nice bowel movement. Goodnight.

   Can't wait to date myself on Valentine's Day

   ME: "Boss, I can't come in today. I have a bad case of" *puts hand over phone* -what was it again? DAUGHTER: "Boogerits" *to phone* its boogerits"

   Love is so sweet makes my heart beat ...My heart skip a beat

   eating something immediately after brushing your teeth must be part of the things you do during recruitment as a terrorist.

   I told my wife she has to embrace her mistakes. So she hugged me.

   I believe in doing things in a definitive manner. That being said, in the unlikely event I decide to do any looting, I'm going to loot a lute.

   Kit Kat is coming out with a vegan version of their bar and I imagine their theme song will be Break me off a piece of that veggie based bar.

   Bike Week is here at Daytona Beach. It's noisy and crazy! Speaking of noisy and crazy, next week is Tyke Week. It's a bunch of 5 year olds on Big Wheels driving on A1A hounding their moms for grilled cheese and putt putt golf.

   Someone tried to tell me I was a vampire once but I checked the mirror and just couldn’t see it!

   If I dumped a can of green beans on the ground, I'm pretty sure my kid would eat every one of them...

   Hillary gotta be a kinda special lover. She lost to a black candidate back in 2008, today to a Trump!

   I just found out ISIS has been using porn sites to send subliminal messages! This explains my urge to run out and buy fertilizer every day...

   My doctor needed a stool, a ur-ine, a se-men and a blood sample. I gave him my underwear.

   Valentine's Day was started accidentally when an irresponsible man gave a bow and arrow to a cherub-faced Baby and he shot the man's lover in the heart ... true story.