Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can't fix stupid, but the red hats sure makes it easy to identify.

   So now we're going after FedEx drivers because we concluded they are all thieves?

   Seeking one-night stand... Possibly 2 because I have two lamps.

   People are dying with Covid not from Covid. Two different things...

   I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.

   People can't go to sleep if any of their phone apps need to be updated, but will drive their car with the check engine light on until it explodes.

   Now we know why Trump wants nuts on flushing the toilets 10, 11, 12 times. He was stuffing the toilets with top secret documents.

   I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

   Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

   Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

   I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

   When you can't defend, dodge. When you can't dodge, deny. When you can't deny, deflect. When you can't deflect, distort. When you can't distort, dissemble. When you can't dissemble, distract. When none of that works, change the subject.

   You have four years to fix this country Joe. What are you doing instead? Talking about Trump every single day!

   Rumor has it that the staff at Mar-a-Lago caught Melania trying to flush her prenup down the toilet too.

   Get hoarders addicted to crack, they will sell all their stuff...

   The Gazpacho Police sounds tasty.

   2 for the price of 1 "Your the only one for me" Valentine day cards just seems wrong, all wrong.

   I wonder if taking folders from the White House, marked "top secret" and hiding them at your home is a bad thing?

   The good news regarding climate change: It'll eventually kiII off the Winter Olympics.

   You suddenly realize that you're all grown up that moment when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kicking it under the fridge.