Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just plain lucky *

   I hope my dog never finds out I am made of bones

   Fun Fact: Half of the current value of the US Stock Market was created between 1817 and 2009. The other half was created under President Obama.

   "Knock knock." "Who's there?""Dave." "Dave who?" Dave holds back tears as he realises his mother's Alzheimer's is getting worse.

   [Watching Porn] How is there not lipstick everywhere?!

   If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

   Now trading toilet paper for gasoline.

   When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

   To whomever hacked my phone and saw the naked pictures of me... Sorry, but That's what you get.

   My back doesnt start hurting until I put on my work clothes.

   If I had a dollar for every gender, I would have two dollars and a bunch of counterfeits..

   A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

   The groundhog saw his shadow. And then he outran six employees from Golden Corral.

   The good news regarding climate change: It'll eventually kiII off the Winter Olympics.

   If I ran a swamp tour in DC there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

   Secret to satisfying women; Under-promise but over-deliver

   I believe what politicians say about as much as I believe the person who says, "I never got that text."

   When I diet, I lose weight in my face and middle first. So basically after a month or so, the only thing people see are my arms, legs, and moobs.

   after I eat really bad I always eat a salad to make it seem like I'm being healthy

   Maybe we should all start calling 2020 are lucky number and see if things might change!