Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Real friends get treated like family. Fake friends get treated like a plague.

   Auto correct did me in. I've been seeing a girl who perspires a little when we have s-e-x. Hot. I typed, "Hi, sweety", and it changed it ti, "Hi, sweaty." Now she won't take my calls.

   That moment when you watching Mimmi's video and you realized that shower pole is stronger than most relationship

   “What I am is what I am… what you are is under arrest

   Jameis Winston did NOT steal those crab legs intentionally. He is so into football, that he felt sorry for the shellfish, and merely thought he would do the right thing by putting them on injured reserve.

   So Boko Haram is partying, while the idîots are droning innoceñts elsewhere

   I like to think that "I don't give a f*&k', but I don't not give a f*&k nearly as much as this dude sitting next to me on the train whos watching hardcore anime p0rn.

   is ❒Taken ❒Single ✔ awesome

   I think it's logical to hate the player, without players there would be no game and I would have a date for Friday night

   You can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first

   I'm gonna start a new website called Punchender where people/companies can raise funds to NOT release a terrible product. Example "If we don't meet our goal, we will release super bouncy death ball!"

   I'm no magician, but they've never found the bodies I made disappear.

   After an intense workout of shakeweight and sit and be fit it's time to rest.

   he loves heavy metal ... gold , steel and lead are his favourites

   Community Service Announcement - When attempting the Karma Sutra always be sure to stretch first, else you may end up pulling something!

   I can't think of a worse feeling in the world than when you realize your Caprisun has no straw

   I think Mark Zuckerberg is in my frikin laptop laughing... My Facebook is changing back and forth!!!! :-/

   Yahoo News; 'Two Sharks Attack Diver' Nice to see FIFA have toughened up on the punishment!

   I want to be " Bill Gates, where is that money you owe me" rich!

   Why does this thing tell you that you have 24 letters left, then when you post it's incomplete? e