Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day?

   Guy: Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? Girl: No Guy: (pulls pockets inside out) would you like to?

   COPY THIS AS YOUR STATUS AND SEE WHAT PEOPLE RATE YOU. | 1. Perfect | 2. Perfect | 3. Perfect | 4. Perfect | 5. Perfect | 6. Perfect | 7. Perfect | 8. Perfect | 9. Perfect | 10. Perfect | 11. Perfect | 12. Perfect | 13. Perfect | 14. Perfect | 15. Perfect

   Reorganized my kitchen and installed new pantry liners. It feels so fresh now!

   Saying you want to age gracefully is like saying you want to fall down a flight of stairs naked and land face first in pig poo, gracefully.

   I was going to pirate and record the Expendables 2, movie, but I fear Chhhhhuuuccckkk Norrrris was there

   Sees you just vacuumed the floor. Opens up a Nature Valley bar.

   I facebook the way I cook; I can, but I don't.

   knows he is a man now because he just found a hair down there.

   I think Charles Ramsey might be on to something here. I'm going to get a deep dark tan and fly down to Cleveland and see what white women come running into my arms.

   Unless you're trying to change someones life for the better, you have no reason to try to be in their business

   You know How tornadoes only hit trailer parks hard... I'm guessing these Derechos only hit Home Depots hard.

   I bet the worst part about being single is knowing that even Hitler found someone who loved him

   burger king just launched in S.A. ~ Obama is here just to make sure all the american franchises and wallmart are doing well.

   I also have an awesome recipe for jambalaya,,,,,,, It's actually one of my newest "soup-er powers"..... Drops mic,,,,,, apologizes profusely

   to make it hotter this winter I'm gonna pollute the environment more to help with global warming

   Neighborhood birds start chirping at 4:05am. Knowing justice belongs to those who claim it, you place an alarm in each nest set to 4:04am.

   hoping no kids wish me a happy father's day today.

   This guy just told me that I was anti-social. Or at least that’s what I think he said, I wasn’t paying attention.

   When I'm alone my right hand starts to freak out..Im Sexy And I No It!