Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know it's time to get out of the bath, when your piss is warmer than the water in the bath!!!!

   he was once know as Tiger, now he will be known as Cheetah..u play & you pay, new prenup with a swingers clause since Tiger will never be satisfied with a hole in one....

   remember this, at least canada gave us hockey and a few good actors

   4 out of 5 dentists... leaves one dentist.

   'Paranormal Activity 2' made $41.5 million... Talk about money well spent.

   you can't tune a piano, but you can tune a fish

   Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

   Don't Think I Can't Live Without You.., I'll Leave You In The Water Like The Statue Of Liberty...

   wondering why his daughter's diaper holds no where near the 22-37 pounds it promises.

   Mother, I would appreciate it if you didn't use scented laundry detergent, I don't feel like walking around smelling like Fresh Mountain Breeze...

   A couple of kids asked me to teach them greatness so I bought all of them Miller light & told them to drink... Anymore questions?

   thinks they should make a Michael Jackson video game

   Hey dude... There's your car!

   Abuelita , Me das $50? QUE!? Que te de $40? Para que quieres $30 si con $20 es suficiente?... Ten $10 why dale $5 a tu hermano!

   Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

   The good news for AL Franken is this should make him a contender for President

   if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such

   Teacher said taking responsibility is key to being an adult and she asked what’s wrong today and who do we blame? Student (7th grade) - I blame all of us for Nov 8th, 2016. Sums it up right!

   I just found out Sarah Huckabee is married. I guess there's a lot of pathetic desperate guys out there. Yikes!

   How did the American Cross the Road? A Cop dragged her there by the hair