Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

   With all the discounted Valentine's candy that's available, I like to call February 15th "Loner Halloween."

   Somebody just asked casually if I have a webcam, I can only assume they want to see my junk.

   Steph Curry is hesitant about going to the White House and Trump takes away his invitation. Tom Brady doesn't go to the White House and Trump doesn't say a word.

   This Corona hoax is the most I've ever seen my neighbors, I'm pretty sure they're all hooligans. Almost all of em wearing masks.

   When your greatest contribution to the world is peanut butter, it's time to face reality and take your proper place on the evolutionary chart.

   entering the doors of a chinease buffet and a little kid said, "daddy, I think I just heard a dog bark."

   being a die hard 80's fan I really hate what is going on with Brett Michaels. Doctors can't seem to find out what is going on in his head. They might want to check his other head. After Rock of Love all the answers could lie there.. Just sayin

   wish life was a bed of roses!!! I would do nothing but sleep all day!!!

   Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

   THEY SAY IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD, JUST MAKE SURE THEY ARE NOT HANGIN WITH THE VILLAGE IDIOT !!

   I can feel guilty about the past, apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act!

   I'll tell you something about Lapinski. When she gets a gas bill, she writes all over it with a thick black felt tip, THIS DOES NOT EXIST, and sends it to the gas board

   Us women are stupid. We b*tch moan and yell about something not done by someone else but by the time we get done complaining we couldve done it ourselves..I'm a woman and I will never understand us

   using reverse psychology for the New Year. Since wishing people a “Happy New Year” has not brought people much luck throughout the years, she has decided to turn their luck around and wish them a bad New Year so……Have a bad New Year everyone!!!

   im on the road to riches with jus a lil bit of traffic..

   dressed up as the Grim Reaper and gone back and forth through the emergency room.

   I've discovered the 8th Wonder Of The World. There are no hot women in Minnesota.

   I am not a Jesus so don't expect miracles from me dammit.

   Got the shivers while peeing.....thank goodness for decorative towels.