Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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A drink called KenoshaKid - what's it made of? A chaser followed by three shots. 
We lost Michael Jackson in 2009, Neil Armstrong just died...man we're losing all of our moon walkers
When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. ....Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
I was riding a donkey today when somone threw a rock that knocked me off. I was stoned off my ass.
Justin Bieber is being sued for allegedly beating up his ex-bodyguard. Which begs the question — who hires a bodyguard that Justin Bieber can beat up?
christmas has been cancelled this year due to santa being fired for inappropriate behavior by asking a girl if she had been naughty or nice...
you can pick your friends....you can pick your nose.......but you can't pick your friend's nose!
on a seefood diet,,,, I see food and eat it
I asked Santa for Natalie Portman for Christmas. He said "No, you'll shoot her eye out".
double ough seven
FACT: A cat will blink when struck in the head with a hammer
Non-religious people are idiots
Next time someone calls you from a blocked pick up the phone and say "It's done but there is blood everywhere " then hang up
Someone needs to hurry up and locate Tom Hanks before he makes "Castaway 2" in N. Alabama. Spoiler alert: Wilson is a talking pig.
Chocolate makes dogs REALLY tired. Mine's been sleeping for three days!! I don't want to wake him... So cute!
Aliens watching our media must assume we are being implored to show allegiance to our ruler, a mysterious entity named "Geico."
An American walks into a Canadian grocery store , walks up tp the Juice section and says to His wife, Hey, These Canadians put Raisins in their Grape juice.
I just found out Obama has been lying this whole time.......now..… I … I just … my whole life has been a lie.
If my girl tell me she hanging with her guy friends I hope it's six of them so they can carry her casket.
SARS was caused by CHICKENS right? Guess what...it was the year of the CHICKENS. H1N1 caused by PIGS well guess what...year of the PIGS. Next year is the year of the ROOSTER...Great !! I guess this illness will only affect the guys. were doomed!! 