Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lazy rule #526272828000: I take short cuts that are longer than the long cuts just because I think they are shorter

   after you break down in a car you feel so violated, you don't even want the car no more.

   Dogs are like Facebook; fun and interactive. Cats are like MySpace; boring, climb on the furniture and $hit in a box.

   Tebow? And are you in love with him? Cuz you sure talk about him alot...

   I wonder if young people on honeymoons today have as much sex as we did when I was young. For the first week on our cruise, most people thought my wife and I were Siamese twins.

   New internet piracy laws are SOPAthetic

   pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles, pickles... BURGER!!!

   Happy Birthday Willie Nelson! I'll Burn a Fatty for ya Sir!

   I love a nice dark red with hints of oak and floral overtones. And, it was a double flusher!!

   a tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

   Ya know, I am one for advancements in technology but honestly all this stuff that has been coming out lately is like a freaking stalker's wet dream!

   The coolest suicide would be to moisturize and not stop moisturizing until you become a tiny pond that fish and turtles live in

   If I get one more game or app request, or send me one more farmville request I will kill all your animals and burn your crops and smoke them, then delete your ass!!!

   that snow I see on the field? No, I guess it's just Madonna's skin cells.

   why I'm single: ☑ I can't date the Internet. ☑ I can't date my favorite celebrity. ☑ I can't date myself. ☑ I can't date music.

   Saddam Hussein ☑ - Osama Bin Laden ☑ - Louie walsh √ - Col. Gaddafi ☑

   What everyone hates to look out there window and see.... White

   I slept with an acrobat once. She was lousy in bed. It was like Cirque de So-So lay.

   realizes that sometimes the one you think is your knight in shining armour might actually turn out to be a retard in a tin foil.

   I am more bored than an Easter Bunny in December.