Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the preceding status update was erased before a live audience.

   believes it was Plato who once shared this sage advice: You gotta know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away, and know when to run. You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table. There'll be time enough for countin'

   so out focus on my commute this morning that everyones heads were bigger then there asses. lol.

   giving up Pabst Blue Ribbon for Lent.. first few days are always the hardest

   Skippy recalls peanut butter because Bacteria was found in peanut butter distributed in Illinois..... And in other news Skippy announces the world wide release today of it's new peanut butter with "active cultures"

   Called in my Napalm Strike and fried a whole bunch of Burritos.

   Happiness is only a beautiful woman and a riding crop away.

   Don't you love it when you punch someone in the jaw & they don't drop so you get 2 punch em again in the temple.

   we can't run from who we are...our destiny chooses us!

   There are certain days in the year where it's socially acceptable to act like a retard. Someone tell the people here it's not one of those days...

   I'm doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve multi orgazims. Don't worry if you can't come! For those of you that will come...Sign the guest, list below!

   I am not looking at you, I am looking past you.

   oh boy...Google is turning into a teenager, this could be bad...

   I know someone who needs a couple closed fisted high fives to the face. His name rhymes yore busband...RJ

   When someone asks "Know what I'm sayin'?" simply recall the thing they JUST SAID & you can "know what they're sayin'."

   make sure you go to peoples funerals, else the ywon't come to yours!

   I liked your post...until this happened :) xD lol <3 <33!

   It would be awesome idea to stand around in a large circle at school chanting "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" and in the middle of it would be a rock, paper and scissors.

   original, one of a kind..So if you don't mind get back in line..

   Be the one to stand out in the crowd