Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My goal for Easter weekend is to move just enough each day to make sure no one thinks I'm dead.

   so I heard last night that women are misdiagnosed more often than men. what they didn't mention was that men are usually misterdiagnoised more often than women

   Great green moon tonight for 420

   Seeing purple rain from his Little Red Corvette

   I was wondering where I can contract this influenza virus so I can get away with stupid sheit.

   Lifetime os filming a new series about the ongoing struggle women have with freezing cold feet. It's a Sockumentary.

   My nipples are so sensitive, they co-wrote "Piece by Piece" by Kelly Clarkson.

   My buddy sent me half a bottle of his Viagra Pills... not for me, but for my car.... every time I fill my car up with gas, I put one in and it makes my gas gauge stay up longer.

   A romantic getaway but, just me and your best friend.

   I only lower the bar so it's easier to reach my drink.

   Shout out to all my peeps and be glad I am not drinking or I would be drunk calling you right now @2:13AM. . .. . .

   I wonder if bank robbers have a safe word?

   Feeling and thinking are directly proportional to each other and inseparable.

   I'm not always productive as I could be... My brain has too many tabs open.

   People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.

   Women like men who are emotionally available. Write that down.

   In the Midnight hour she Cried " Turn that TV Down I'm trying to sleep" :(

   Being an alcoholic allows me to use my liquor store's wi-fi anytime I want

   My wife and I have one in common; neither of us respect me.

   There is method in my madness and madness in my method.