Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Percentage of my texts that include the phrase "LOL" - 75% . Percentage of times I'm actually laughing out loud- 0.001%

   The awesome moment when your staple puller becomes a back scratcher and your leg starts shaking like a rabid dog~

   Getting up with a massive headache and in an Unknown apartment.. well I suppose I had a good start to new years.. Wish you all the same.. Happy New Year !!

   I think we should follow new people.

   that feeling of brotherhood when someone post the same status as you ,but know one like it cuz you posted it first

   As hard as DJ khaled trys I can never take him serious

   Being an alcoholic allows me to use my liquor store's wi-fi anytime I want

   My wife and I have one in common; neither of us respect me.

   There is method in my madness and madness in my method.

   A romantic getaway but, just me and your best friend.

   I only lower the bar so it's easier to reach my drink.

   Shout out to all my peeps and be glad I am not drinking or I would be drunk calling you right now @2:13AM. . .. . .

   I wonder if bank robbers have a safe word?

   Feeling and thinking are directly proportional to each other and inseparable.

   I'm not always productive as I could be... My brain has too many tabs open.

   People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.

   Women like men who are emotionally available. Write that down.

   In the Midnight hour she Cried " Turn that TV Down I'm trying to sleep" :(

   *date.... GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?..... LOBSTER: That's like the third time you've asked me that.

   My goal for Easter weekend is to move just enough each day to make sure no one thinks I'm dead.