Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do I get my android to stop taking pictures of my crotch everytime I achieve arousal?

   Guys, if she kicks your a$$ at pool and darts, she's probably not the marrying kind...

   b#tches are like Monday's - nobody likes them but everybody has to deal with them!

   too lazy to inform everyone that I am cleaning my friend list, so feel free to unfriend yourselves.

   "the govt doesn't want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs

   One Flush: Courtesy. Two flushes: Don't go in there! Three flushes: run for your lives, she's gonna blow!

   Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

   I don't always hit women, but when I do....it's to smack it, flip it and rub it down.

   Rice is awesome. Especially if you want like 2000 of something...

   No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

   This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.

   I'm only 27 stomach flus away from my goal weight.

   I use to think that wearing masks was so ridiculous and lame. Now that I've seen him wear one, I love masks and I can get enough of them.

   A year ago, Facebook was great according to orange. Now it's anti-Trump. Make up your mind orange head.

   To the someone who does not know the words to the national anthem. You should not be criticising the NFL players who take a knee.

   If you're gonna have raw sex with the person you love so much, at least do it wearing the safest thing...A WEDDING RING!

   I've never actually seen anyone using a laptop on top of their lap.

   “It’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”... Umm,,, wait, you’re not my doctor... *a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

   Another WASTED DAY that the kids could be using to make up a snow day and a day I could be getting some stuff done , but damn near everything is closed.

   World Cup in Qatar? Does that mean 2024 Summer Olympics in Baghdad or Kabul?