Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

   Say what you will, but Rush Limbaugh is a star. By star, I mean a large, gassy object that can be seen from a distance.

   In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

   What makes you so special when you're convinced that Bill Gates installed a tracking chip in you and is monitoring you 24/7?

   Now the women of Alabama are pissed off at the governor and threatens to votes Dems next time. Greatest reality show ever!

   increasing his carbon footprint so that it is visible from space.

   wonders if suacide bombers text. "BRB ... J/K! I won't BRB." Or, "TTFN SYIHW72V" = ta ta for now, see you in heaven with 72 virgins.

   I once dated an amputee,,,, She single-handedly changed my life.

   I knocked down a poop splatter on the toilet wall with my stream... top that!!!

   They should rename Hockey "H0nkey", 'cause it's one of the last major team sports still dominated by Caucasoids. Thank G0D.

   Don't count the seconds... Make every second count...

   The only time I've ever felt like a male trapped in a female's body was the 9 months before I was born.

   "Hey Mary, what is this I hear about you having sex with God for money?" "Oh. Nothing. I was just trying to make a little prophet."

   It's a sad state of affairs when most Americans don't know... Separation of church and state is not in the Constitution.

   Mirror.. Mirror.. on the wall, out of all my Facebook friends who is the fairest of them all?

   I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF

   Ok now hey you stop poking you want sex..

   going to pull a borat on megan fox

   thinks it's wrong to tease a midget with learning difficulties.... It's not big and it's not clever

   been bitten by a spider... and now waiting to become Spider Man...! :-)