Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I ask her a question when I already have the info just to see if she lies. Then she shows why I can't trust her.

   When you're in public and your nuts itch!!

   Women never shut up...Especially during sex.

   I don't want a baby because they're way too lazy.

   Anyone wonder why Internet explorer 9 has commercials? When it comes with every computer anyway, and its free to download?

   Girl in nothing but a t shirt-hot! Dude in nothing but a t shirt-perv...

   Husband during anniversary dinner, "I love you so much, let's go do it in the alley. I'll give you $30."

   Facebook stock down 4.20 today... coincidence?

   During exams, students look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information.

   this girl I met in the bar the other night warned me that she isnt into one night stands...I told her to relax as I'm not into that myself- I said I only do it sitting or lying down

   That embarrassing moment when you shoot a three pointer at a dustbin and miss.

   I saw a guy ran out of gas, but he got some J's on.....Nows thats good Marketing 101!!!

   dear autocorrect...I actually did mean that I was "w*nki°g on the desk in my office" and not "working".

   If you got me an Ed Hardy shirt for Christmas, don't worry about a gift receipt...I'll get more X-mas joy out of burning it.

   You know your lazy when you would rather text some one from across the room instead walking over to talk.

   having his name changed ti zippidy do wap peddy pop

   Confuscius Say: "One cannot find what one is looking for with head up a$$."

   One positive thing about internet dating: you're guaranteed to click with whoever you meet.

   "It is better to have been on penici!!in, than to have never loved at all."

   Never respond to everything a fool may say about you.. it makes you look as fool as them! However, ignore them and the fool will go away... it makes you happy and they be upset