Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We are all grown men and women! Let us start acting like it, and stop believing in pathetic conspiracy theories!!!

   After that beating and broken jaw, Colby's probably like, "He thill yo prethident."

   Some things in life are bad they can really make you mad! Other things just make you swear and curse When you're chewing on life's gristle Don't grumble, give a whistle And this'll help things turn out for the best and always look on the bright side life!

   I was in queue at the supermarket when a lady in front farted I got upset but before I say something, she turned around and said, 'if you heard that, then you are not keeping your distance,If you smelled it, then your face mask isn't helping you at all

   I've got no status update right now. But thanks for taking the time out to read this status update about not having a status update!

   "Alloweth me, I shan't be damned To probe around your lovely clam." - Spongebob Shakespeare

   My Alexis doesn't always answer me when I ask you a question, and now I know why it talks like a woman.

   So what do you get when you spell strap-on backwards?

   Marriage tip #4: Whenever you do something good for your wife, make sure to let her know. For example: "Hey honey, I put all the laundry by the laundry machine. That way you can wash the clothes after you get done with dinner."

   GOP congressman moves to block Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill, suggests Paula Deen replace her instead.

   Jesus would have been a great musical act on a cruise ship because Jesus rocks on water.

   Look out ladies, Donald Trump might be single soon as Melania isn't happy with her husband.

   it true atheist children lie down and make snow corpses

   Spoiler Alert: Penny strangles Sheldon to death on the last episode of The Big Bang Theory.

   So a team part of a red state wins the World Series? Interesting.

   When we first ment on a blind date my girlfriend wasn't that interested in me. Untill she saw me lick my eyebrows.

   What do yot get when you slip in water?............ A waterfall.

   Score one for the good guys! Trump is going to protect the dreamers.

   No matter how cool you think you are... you still came out of a vajay so step off.

   M&M's totally melt in your hand.