Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Micro chips in dogs and cats ..why aren't Humans doing this..?

   I wonder if the Def Lepard version of Rock Band will come with only one drum stick?...what...too soon?

   I told my roommate this morning if my dinner isn't on the table when I get home from work he's gettin the beating of his life. Then I hid the table

   Life is your audition for heaven or hell.

   You know you're an unwanted ugly child when you have been breast fed by the family dog

   Don't worry divorced ladies, the zombies wont eat you because you are too fu*king bitter

   when I know I have terrible gas, I sometimes wear a gas mask in the shower because 'shower farts' are by far the deadliest

   Ambulances are SUCH drama queens.

   Any of you guys got a rope and a shaky chair which I could borrow for a sec?

   Edward isn't a vampire, he lives in the forest, he doesn't eat people, and he sparkles..Dat fool is obviously a fairy a$$.

   even google translate doesn't translate what women say

   Watched " Soul surfer " on my " On demand " last night . I have to admit , it takes true dedication to your art to let them cut your arm off for a two hour movie .

   Lazy rule; can`t reach it, don`t need it.

   I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

   Ob-la-di, ob-la-da life goes on brah, La la how the life goes on

   those sweet kind words you encraved in my mind, do me a favor and chocke on them.

   Evidently once your mother leaves the house you jump on her computer and think your a comedian with the "once you....."

   Have you seen the remix video of "Black and Yellow" featuring R. Kelly?

   Okay, who put super glue in my K why Jelly Warming Sensation bottle?

   "What's the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?" "You can't make a vitamin..."