Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Of course I said NO but I totally meant YES, idiot. ~Women

   X says Falling in love is like jumping off a very tall building. Your brain tells you - it's not damn a good idea, while your heart tells you - you can fly.

   I guess Paul Ryan won't be cheering for my Relay for Life team...

   pro tip: go to men's warehouse. try on a suit. take a selfie. say the suit isnt what you want & give it back. you just got a free picture of you looking good in a nice suit.

   Bar B Que Bacon Cheese Burger... The best part of my day.

   Have you ever turned the radio station and the same song was on..happened to me

   Wait til last minute to buy Christmas presents for the elderly, could save you lots of money..

   Micro chips in dogs and cats ..why aren't Humans doing this..?

   I wonder if the Def Lepard version of Rock Band will come with only one drum stick?...what...too soon?

   I told my roommate this morning if my dinner isn't on the table when I get home from work he's gettin the beating of his life. Then I hid the table

   Life is your audition for heaven or hell.

   You know you're an unwanted ugly child when you have been breast fed by the family dog

   Don't worry divorced ladies, the zombies wont eat you because you are too fu*king bitter

   when I know I have terrible gas, I sometimes wear a gas mask in the shower because 'shower farts' are by far the deadliest

   Ambulances are SUCH drama queens.

   Any of you guys got a rope and a shaky chair which I could borrow for a sec?

   Edward isn't a vampire, he lives in the forest, he doesn't eat people, and he sparkles..Dat fool is obviously a fairy a$$.

   even google translate doesn't translate what women say

   Watched " Soul surfer " on my " On demand " last night . I have to admit , it takes true dedication to your art to let them cut your arm off for a two hour movie .

   Lazy rule; can`t reach it, don`t need it.