Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lot of Cruz missiles being launched from DFW the past week...

   Sometimes you just wanna get hit by a car and sometimes you just want to be the one driving and hit someone else.

   Two weeks 'til America's Got Talent. Judges: A has been radio jock. An unfunny comedian. And a woman who's husband would have never advanced on this show.

   “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” are the same letter, but with a different angle.

   what do you call a man with no arms or legs laying by the front door? matt.

   "I`M BATMAN" -Batman

   Oh I wanna dance with somebody I wanna feel the heat with somebody Yeah I wanna dance with somebody With some bipolar nut job that loves me!

   Your picture on Facebook (`▽´) .Your face in real life (‾(••)‾)

   i'd like to get a job at the phone company. they get to choose the phone numbers ppl get. if an ex comes in, give her a number with the last 4 digits spelling WIDE or UGLY & let her be stuck with that number

   I hope some brilliant people find a cure for every major disease, because I refuse to walk 5Ks.

   Got a problem with me? Solve it. Think I'm trippin? Tie my shoes. Can't stand me? Sit back down. Can't face me? Turn around.

   The lack of Fathers Day cards is making me think I should have skeeted in her mouth instead.

   Bees.. Bees.. the musical fruit, the more you eat,,,,, the more you get stung in your mouth and throat by bees

   Alabama: The land of Gump.

   Allow me to water your balls so they can grow. #ThatsWhatSheSaid

   What do you think i'm some kind of Summoner?

   Let's talk dirty" ... "What DID YOU SAY?!" ... "I said it's 10:30...

   I just went to this restauraunt on the moon.... The food was great but there was like, no atmosphere.. No really,, It took my breath away

   Telling someone, “Good Luck in your future endeavors” is just a polite way of telling saying, "Go f--c--k yourself."

   Wife : Does these jeans make me look fat ?? Me : Nope ... your FAT makes you look fat !!