Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when someone says "Sh*t just got real!" does it mean everything was fake all along ? o_0

   When I call a woman a "candy ass", I am not being mean, it just means that I have a sweet tooth

   i dont wake up in the morning feeling like p diddy. I feel like crap -_-

   The crap I can say with a perfectly straight face is illegal in 48 states. The other two just haven't met me yet.

   you know that show to catch a predator?waiting for the episode when the cameras come out and the guy pulls a fred sanford heart attack ...

   And then it hit me, reality- just like when you realize the chicken you ate last night wasn't cooked all the way...

   practicing her speech for the Oscars with a little help from King George VI. So far all I have is....th..thank....you.

   that the probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

   "Delete or block some friends!" The new way to "Quit Facebook Addiction". Ridiculous!

   A necktie functions like a tourniquet, preventing excess blood from entering the head.

   Whenever you see a woman and an opportunity, don't screw the opportunity.

   I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

   Oh please, all that 2012 crap won't happen! Even if it begins to, the one guy hiding his time machine will whip that out right in time and be the worlds saviour anyway .

   sweating like a one-legged mule in mating season.

   Perhaps tomorrow's Rapture really is going to happen. I just heard Oprah's last guest is going to be God

   what happens if ur peeing when the world ends???....

   Ohhhh noooo, I have to wake up 4am to work. Damn minimum wage

   In bed, when a girl says, "I'm Old Fashioned," she means, "I'm from a time when people didn't want to have sex with you."

   I hate Costco and its costconians on the weekend. Is it really that difficult to move aside while trying to devour your 27th sample? It is not like you're trying to balance fine China on a stick, you're putting a cheese square into yo

   Stuttering's cool if you think of it as a drumroll for your sentence!