Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever they show the crowd at Yankees stadium...every Yankees fan looks like an out of shape Paulie Malignaggi.

   Does anyone else notice that if you mention the clown HEre they try to bury it?

   Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

   A woman asked if I'd like a cherry cordial. I high fived myself and said, "Finally! A virgin!" Turned out she was only offering me candy.

   Why should I trust the toothpaste recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists when they're the ones who make money fixing people's teeth?

   Find the man strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn't care if it's on your legs.

   My girlfriend told me she wanted me to choke her during sex, I asked her; whats wrong with during dinner?

   If I don't ask your opinion you don't have to give it to me

   Falling in love on the internet is a lot like running on a treadmill for an hour and expecting to be ANYWHERE else!

   When I die, I want my ashes scattered in a pile in front of my smartphone.

   ...what do you mean I can't get change from the church collection plate? I only have $20s.

   If you watch the movie Flashdance backwards, it's about a girl who made it into a ballet company but decided to be a Welder by day and Dancer/stripper by night.

   You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.

   Be strong, I whispered to my wifi signal.

   A recent study determined the number one reason couples divorce is marriage. . .

   Sucks when you want someone but can't have them cuz someone else has them but if they wanted you, they wouldn't be with that someone.

   Just like all relationships, the people that I have been FB friends with the longest get on my nerves the most.

   Every chair is a reclining chair if you don't understand what reclining mean.

   I don't want to have any cold that I didn't even get to have sex to catch.

   Single people: If you're looking for someone 10+ years younger than you don't tell us about how you want someone that "respects" you...