Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being Black At Disney Land... Mickeys been following me around the whole park. Relax, I'm not going to steal your happiness, Mouse.

   Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it. :p

   My bad. My teenage daughter unplugged the lights to plug in her phone charger...

   Only God can judge me.....tell it to the judge

   I wish I was as carefree as my Step Son's, picking their noses and then tapping away on MY keyboard!!!!

   Americans are fast-asleep right now. Let peace reign

   Damn, it's so hot outside, my flip flops melted into my feet and now i'm stuck in my driveway.

   Prince Fielder must be jealous of the Royal baby hype beings he's the Prince of Detroit.

   I'm actually a nice guy once you get to kill me.

   Went fishing before the strip club, first time I've smelled like fish before the club...

   Does anyone want to be my friend? Asking for a friend.

   Just pounded 2, 5 hour energy shots... Rap battled a stutterer, Lost... Played M.J. Fox at jenga. Lost... Played patty cake with E. Honda, Win!

   We have three types of friends in life: Friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime.

   That pervert watched me and my girlfriend have sex! Man I hate Spiders!

   Do people still leave voice mails?

   Whoa dude! You take me to levels even I didn't know existed.. Kudos to my favorite customer! Sincerely, Your Embarrassment.

   I always make sure to pee on myself in the bathtub just incase I get stung by a jellyfish

   Body builders have a weird way of thanking someone for buying them a birthday gift. I gave this guy a bra & now I'm at the emergency room.

   I need to print some my Facebook friends' status updates on toilet paper so I can wipe my a?s with them

   Inventing a new sex move called "El Dorito." It's where I drop a chip down my bra and go on a pretty hectic search for it while sobbing.