Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let's practice for the future: I'll trade you 2 rolls of toilet paper for a cup of sugar, a cup of flour and we switch places in this ridiculously long line.

   if life was real, how come you’ve never seen your neighbours bring in their groceries??

   This $600 causing problems already. My cousin drove by here real slow. And I only owe him $8...tf

   [first day as a bartender] *garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

   Got a box from amazon with a Hitachi, three kittens, a bottle of whiskey, some xanax, and apartment keys. The card said, "Happy Divorce"

   I'm SO looking forward to Disney's new Brazilian Wax theme park. Yes, I'm talking about EPTWAT.

   "I want all the Deplorables suicided" - Hillary Clinton, probably

   I'm more like Elvis than most Elvis impersonators. I look nothing like him. I dress nothing like him. I sing nothing like him. It's just that women throw their underwear at me. I live in a dryer.

   Know what makes me mad? When I get a Cornucopia that has no corn or ucopia.

   I hated hand-me-down clothing growing up ............. I had two older sisters

   I am way too stoned to drive drunk officer .

   I'm the proud grandfather of a new baby boy. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

   pretty sure my girlfriend got her superpowers from being bit by a radioactive female dog.

   You know you're lowering expectations when you no longer care about raising a Pres. but someone who can flush a toilet.

   a president with sex tapes...gee, I'm glad we didn't put a Clinton in office again

   Global Warming Upside all thanks to the Republicans: Beach Front property in Oklahoma.

   There's a reason why Kayne West is broke.

   Curious. If a person fails at committing suicide. Could they be charge with attempted murder?

   What happens in the shower stays in the shower....... Bet your loofah has some interesting stories it can tell

   Just because it's considered cool to recycle rubbish nowadays, it doesn't mean it's cool to give your cheating ex another chance.