Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   - Question: Why do they call hand-cuffs, hand-cuffs if they're placed on your wrists?

   Lynn Yaeger? Never heard of him.

   Hurricane Irma flooded Florida so bad, the septic tanks in the sewer system have started to over-flow. I guess Florida is now a brown state.

   Got a box from amazon with a Hitachi, three kittens, a bottle of whiskey, some xanax, and apartment keys. The card said, "Happy Divorce"

   I'm SO looking forward to Disney's new Brazilian Wax theme park. Yes, I'm talking about EPTWAT.

   "I want all the Deplorables suicided" - Hillary Clinton, probably

   I'm more like Elvis than most Elvis impersonators. I look nothing like him. I dress nothing like him. I sing nothing like him. It's just that women throw their underwear at me. I live in a dryer.

   Know what makes me mad? When I get a Cornucopia that has no corn or ucopia.

   I hated hand-me-down clothing growing up ............. I had two older sisters

   I am way too stoned to drive drunk officer .

   I'm the proud grandfather of a new baby boy. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

   pretty sure my girlfriend got her superpowers from being bit by a radioactive female dog.

   You know you're lowering expectations when you no longer care about raising a Pres. but someone who can flush a toilet.

   a president with sex tapes...gee, I'm glad we didn't put a Clinton in office again

   Global Warming Upside all thanks to the Republicans: Beach Front property in Oklahoma.

   Plans for St. Patrick's Day next year involve putting green dye into some corona's, sitting in my room alone, and watching Supernatural.

   I was just informed that The Purge: Independence Day is just a movie. Does anyone know a good defense attorney?

   The FIRST Rule of Marriage Club is .... She's ALWAYS Right.

   Any of you folks finding that a litter box is just more convenient than a toilet?

   Can we stop calling it medical marijuana and go back to just calling it marijuana yet?