Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She told me that her p*ssy must always be greeted with a kiss.

   I once ordered a sub so epic that the sandwich artist that made it cut off her ear after putting the cheese on.

   ..... Canada ..... Leading the world in being just north of the United States

   If $ex is a pain in the a$$ you're doing it wrong, that's not what that hole is for. . .

   knock knock.. who's there? Daisy. Daisy who?? Daisy me rollin, they hatin

   Fellas: If most of you lazy b@stards handled your business well between the sheets there would be fewer lesbians in the world.

   Just got Cowboys vs Aliens from Netfl*x in the mail, you should have seen the disappointment on my face when I found out it wasn't about Illegal immigration in AZ

   Touch it gently, put 2 fingers inside, if it's wide use 3 fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yep that's how you wash a cup.

   Whenever someone says, "I dont drink alcohol" all I hear is, "I am boing"

   I think aussies were the first to jerk off into a sock. How else would they come up with the boomerang?

   I learn from the mistakes of others.... Who have taken my advice.

   I think that I should inform everyone to NEVER take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night. Trust me!

   “Don't drink and drive, When you can Smoke and fly! “

   You guys are tearing up Tebow more than his Priest!

   I want to slowly go down on you and tease you. Then rise up and fxck you hard. Sincerely, Gas Prices

   My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

   Taco Bell is betta than Mc D's for lunch

   You know your country is in trouble when Afghanistan sends $50,000 in aid.

   I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

   It's only 2017 and I am already sick and tired of the Orange Man.