Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got Cowboys vs Aliens from Netfl*x in the mail, you should have seen the disappointment on my face when I found out it wasn't about Illegal immigration in AZ

   Touch it gently, put 2 fingers inside, if it's wide use 3 fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. Yep that's how you wash a cup.

   Whenever someone says, "I dont drink alcohol" all I hear is, "I am boing"

   I think aussies were the first to jerk off into a sock. How else would they come up with the boomerang?

   I learn from the mistakes of others.... Who have taken my advice.

   I think that I should inform everyone to NEVER take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night. Trust me!

   “Don't drink and drive, When you can Smoke and fly! “

   You guys are tearing up Tebow more than his Priest!

   I want to slowly go down on you and tease you. Then rise up and fxck you hard. Sincerely, Gas Prices

   My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

   Taco Bell is betta than Mc D's for lunch

   You know your country is in trouble when Afghanistan sends $50,000 in aid.

   I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

   It's only 2017 and I am already sick and tired of the Orange Man.

   The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

   How to get rid of an erection. 1. Kirsten Dunst nudes. 2. Kirsten Dunst. 3. Actress who played Mary Jane Watson...

   My mother wants me to get up and go to work. But the voices in my head want me to stay home and clean the guns.

   Tiger woods just changed his Relationship to: "it's Complicated

   very shy. please flirt aggressively

   heard Chile got hit by an earthquake. I had some chili the other day that hit me pretty hard, probably not an 8.8, but it was close.