Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Research shows that 80% of men don't know how to use condoms. These men are called DADS!

   Since Congress declared that pizza is a vegetable you wouldn't be surprised if they made mayonnaise an instrument

   I say we consolidate all ska bands into one giant ska band, unless that's what happened already.

   Death is at the NBA's door and Stern just invited it in for a cup of tea.

   I'm at work and keep hitting ESC on my keyboard, but I'm still here....I think my keyboard is broken!!!!

   I'm pretty sure the guy who invented dino nuggets had a heck of a time trying to explain to everyone else what he was aiming to achieve.

   Definition of Happy: When the police check-point station picks the car behind to pull over for random search

   I've learnt that money can't buy love, it can only buy you attention and company while it lasts.

   You know you back in Miami, when You pull up to a light and a Bum throws a quarter at you.

   if you dont remember ever when MTV actually had music vidoes, then you not a true 90's kid

   Am I the only one who thought of chicks with flat asses when they saw "Happy National Pancake Day"?

   This morning at breakfast, I think I got some cheap Russian Alphabits - half of the R's were backwards!

   shopping for a butler monkey on craigslist

   Bodies always understand each other, even when the souls do not.

   <----Thinks it adds more stress going to a Spa and paying $ 160 an hour for Swedish !

   the four leaf clover in a field of life.

   My mate has absolutey no luck with women. Even when he calls one of those premium rate chat lines they tell him he has the wrong number.

   Had a mini anxiety attack wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.

   I told the lady Jimmy John delivery driver to give me a call when she was promoted to sandwich making.

   Y.O.L.O.???? Oh you've found out that you only live once? Please, tell me more about your other scientific discoveries.