Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everytime I leave the house: ✔Phone ✔Wallet ✔Keys.

   This shark attacked a defenseless surfer and bit him in half. What kind of animal would do something like that?!

   I just met the woman of my wet dreams...

   Like we really need Twinkies here in America.

   God damnit Disney, you screwed up another one. Now I'm gonna have nightmares about teddy bears.

   I'm no grammar Nazi, but I hate when a girl's period comes late

   God promised man he could find beautiful women who were good honest wives in all corners of the world then he made the world round and laughed and laughed and laughed.

   "When life gives you eggs, turn them into omelets!" is probably a terrible slogan for an abortion clinic.

   Native American: So you are against imigrants. Splendid, when did you leave?

   Throwing' Down Today

   Loves all the Global Warming non-believers talking about 15 inches of snow being proof there's no threat. Yeah idiots. Global warming means no snow... and the Earth is flat.

   If you think you're having a bad day, just remember, someone is gonna have Snooki as their mom.

   we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

   I liked Meatloaf before he got all soft on us and changed his name to Adele.

   BREAKING: NINTH CIRCUIT COURT OF APPEALS OVERTURNS TRUMP'S TURKEY PARDONS.

   Want to know why Americans are better than the rest of the world? We are Americans.

   You know who really hates Nine Inch Nails? Jesus.

   My romantic poem to the wife...."Roses are red and violets are blue. Lay on the bed and I will eat you!

   What is black and hangs from trees in my garden? Blackberries

   I get it, American football was made after Americans realised they sucked at rugby.