Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook's just not as fulfilling as it never was.

   AIRPORT SECURITY: "Sir do you have any dangerous weapon on your person? ME: Yes, my brain.

   Its strange to think that decades from now, people might be dressing like US for Halloween, like they do for flappers, or hippies.

   Some cool ways to trick a woman into bed include "being kind," "making her feel special" & "showing her respect." They love that shi#t

   Want to surprise you girlfriend? Introduce her to your boyfriend.. :O

   In most conversations, my face is basically a red battery logo with 10% written next to it.

   if an actor in a heat of the moment scene has to say "I will cut your freaking balls off" and the Director shouts "Cut!" what the hell does the actor do?!?

   The teacher asked me what book I read this summer & I said, "Facebook."

   One thing vampire children are taught at a very young age is, never run with a wooden stake

   Maybe I like my dirty mouth.... Orbit... you're NEVER getting in me.

   I attacked that beer like it was a defenceless woman in a carpark.

   I just found spider crawling up my leg. I wanted to kill it but I missed so I cut off my leg instead.

   Does anyone have an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle...in their garage..they no longer want ? Ralphie here is driving me crazy.

   TOWEL MAN : If you're wet, call me!

   if I were sitting in a jail cell right now, why would you think I was there? ;)

   Women, your future is bright... Once you perfect driving we will have something else to celebrate... Too bad it's never going to happen!

   True Fact: The Shamrock Shake at McDonald's taste like leprechaun vomit, and it makes your turd green..........

   never on schedule...and always LATE!

   Two can be as bad as one It's the loneliest number since the number one

   going to the church of disneyland where pastor mickey loves everyone UNCONDITIONALLY.