Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm fat because of genetics my whole family is fat. NO!! your whole family Is fat because they all eat like hogs.

   I'm just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Praying she doesn't pick me out of this police lineup.

   Doctors report a spike in Harlem Shaken Baby Syndrome....

   Vegas - Where women proudly show off their legs. San Francisco - Where men do the same.

   Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...

   Gee! There's a string in there!!!..... and thus a new style of underwear was named....

   I'm playing the Titanic drinking game. Every time you see someone dead you have a shot of vodka!

   The biggest obstacle bi-racial, Kentucky couples face is agreeing on which liquor name to give their daughter.

   When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a wife

   Now taking holiday orders for my homemade body butter. Please sign the release form stating that you are not allergic to Krazy Glue.

   Dear Friends & Foes: I hate it when you greet or holla at me on my funny and witty status update. Stop raining on my parade. That's what the inbox is for.

   that a drumstick in my pocket or am I just glad to see you it's a drumstick I have an eating problem oh God there's gravy in there too.

   The Secret life of the American teenager is less realistic than star wars. No father and daughter talk about sex that casually. "Hey amy, are you going to have sex with Ricky tonight?" "Well we're both emotionally & physically ready, so yeah." "okay, cool

   Whats the socially acceptable waiting period before you can feel free to fart in the presence of your new lover?

   I wonder what I'm thinking right now...hummm?

   Amazing,,, that all the xmas gifts I bought today were made in china ,,like what are the odds on that ..!!!

   Tomorrow..no lawns will be manicured due to Cinco_de Mayo...not on Sunday or Monday..or rest of the week either...Sorry folks too much Tequila and beer combos.

   there someone making $ off of all this "Liking" on FB?

   Ï believe that upon death,at heavens gate,there are 2 books in which your name need be,the book of life,&the avengers attendance sheet

   :I'm so white I get uncomfortable saying knickers with a hard 'r'.