Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whistleblower comes forward with claims that strangers drag him from place to place, make him sign papers, read words on monitors and he hardly gets any ice cream.

   An idea: “Broke Back Mountain 2” all female cast. This would smash all box office records.

   I was born a male and I identify as a male, but according to Stouffers portions, I'm a family of four.

   Jurassic World is about a pharma company that uses a DNA-altering pathogen to destroy farmland and deliberately cause a worldwide food crisis to force everyone to buy their products. Science Fiction is Fun!

   Australian Kiss ~ Kind of like a French kiss, but down under.

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   When you tell your girl to shave her baby maker and you wake up bald.

   Drivers ignoring winter conditions, may be subject to natural selection.

   “I want the truth!” Independent fact checkers, with the direction of the FBI, have concluded that you can’t handle the truth.

   Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.

   China Hut: People that don’t like cats, just haven’t had them prepared properly.

   There are some incredibly dumb people in this world. Thank you for helping me understand that.

   We often clean our homes when people are coming over so we can maintain the façade of a clean house that we’ve seen from going to other people’s homes who clean their house to maintain the façade of having a clean house.

   All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

   My wife and I do this role play, where she tells me all the things that need to be fixed around the house and I pretend this is the first time I’m hearing about it. 😂

   If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.

   Wife just told me that her birthday is tomorrow. Wow, like maybe more of a heads-up next time.

   When you want to help people, you tell the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear.

   Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.

   Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Okay, let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff, but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife comes running in from another room: IT’S SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!