Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon IKEA needs to provide better descriptions on their furniture like, what is the divorce rate on assembling this 8-drawer dresser.
←Rate | 01-18-2023 01:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 04:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When they can’t control or manipulate you, they smear you. 😔
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When your fart smells like death and you’re waiting for your friend to smell it.
←Rate | 06-24-2022 23:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tried being normal once, it was the most boring ten minutes of my life.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon To all 6 of you who like my posts, I do it all for you.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
←Rate | 01-18-2023 01:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me: My dog is probably thinking about other dogs. My dog: “What was Scar’s name before he got that scar?”
←Rate | 01-10-2023 02:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell in the floor.
←Rate | 06-21-2022 22:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I carry a whistle at the grocery store, in case someone tries to violate the sanctity of the 15 items or less lane.
←Rate | 06-24-2022 23:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How about taco Wednesday’s, no one has ever done that before.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 01:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said. Him: That’s a weird way to start a conversation.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 02:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You: I’m offended, you can’t say that! Me: Noooo, I can, I did, and I probably will again.
←Rate | 01-09-2023 03:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while, to remind yourself why you don’t go out.
←Rate | 01-12-2023 01:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just caught my pecker in my zipper. No more zip-up boots for me.
←Rate | 01-18-2023 01:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Beginning to see the need for censorship. Certain people are just too ignorant to be allowed to speak.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 04:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lady: How did you fix that horrible annoying noise my car was making? Auto Technician: We simply removed your Taylor Swift CD and replaced it with Van Halen. 😎
←Rate | 01-24-2023 00:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: I have a child that needs a father figure. Him: I wear socks with sandals. Her: wow, you’re daddy af.
←Rate | 04-22-2022 23:20 Comments (0)  

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