Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon IKEA needs to provide better descriptions on their furniture like, what is the divorce rate on assembling this 8-drawer dresser.
←Rate | 01-18-2023 01:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s safe to unplug your Christmas lights until next year.
←Rate | 01-08-2023 00:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It doesn’t feel like I’m getting older. It’s more like my warranty has expired.
←Rate | 01-08-2023 00:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
←Rate | 01-18-2023 01:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My fitness trainer asked what kind of squats I’m accustomed to doing. I said, Diddly.
←Rate | 01-08-2023 01:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Fake laughing with customers is actually a skill and we should be allowed to add that to our resumes.
←Rate | 01-18-2023 01:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00
←Rate | 01-08-2023 01:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon We often clean our homes when people are coming over so we can maintain the façade of a clean house that we’ve seen from going to other people’s homes who clean their house to maintain the façade of having a clean house.
←Rate | 01-13-2023 02:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A dog and a cat are fighting about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “We are, because they named the canine tooth after us.” The cat smiles and says, “You are really not going to win this one.”
←Rate | 01-09-2023 04:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Start each day with a positive thought like; “in 16 hours, I can go back to bed.”
←Rate | 01-18-2023 01:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sorry I didn’t reply for 45 days. Lol What’s up?
←Rate | 01-06-2023 01:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.
←Rate | 01-18-2023 01:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Grocery shopping is a constant battle between not buying snacks, so you won’t be tempted and being angry that there’s nothing to eat.
←Rate | 01-18-2023 01:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When you tell your girl to shave her baby maker and you wake up bald.
←Rate | 01-18-2023 01:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.
←Rate | 01-06-2023 17:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 90’s Psychopath = 2020’s Gender fluid mainstream progressive.
←Rate | 01-08-2023 16:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just caught my pecker in my zipper. No more zip-up boots for me.
←Rate | 01-18-2023 01:24 Comments (0)  




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