Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4 of 6357

I’m like an avocado, I’m only pleasant for a short period of time and it’s up to you to figure out when that is.
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01-10-2023 01:26
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When you’re in psychology class and you learn about the disorder you have.
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01-08-2023 17:22
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You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
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01-23-2023 03:39
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I identify as a microwave dinner, because I’m ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I’m just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you’re desperate.
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06-18-2022 00:58
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Octopuses are just wet spiders.
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07-03-2022 06:38
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If you’re not happy single, try dating apps. You’ll still be single, but you’ll appreciate it a lot more.
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04-29-2022 00:48
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Gonna start a page called Older Fans, where it’s just me telling everyone what hurts today and what miniscule task I was doing that caused the pain. Today it’s: My back ~ The rain.
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01-04-2023 02:35
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Places finger on cop’s lips ~ “Shhh…. We were both speeding, okay? I forgive you.”
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01-06-2023 18:28
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Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.
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01-08-2023 02:10
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Keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain.
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01-23-2023 03:36
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When you’re tired of your cat showing you it’s butthole so you show it yours.
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01-06-2023 02:08
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Everyone I know is a “snack getting stuck in a vending machine” away from total collapse.
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01-08-2023 17:23
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When today’s safety meeting is about what you did yesterday.
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06-30-2022 01:06
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The only way I can catch errors in my messages, is to read them from my sent folder. 😏
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01-24-2023 00:19
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God Bless Rednecks! Merica!
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01-06-2023 01:23
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Therapist: “What brings you in today?” Me: Every time my husband puts the dishes away, he puts them in a different location. Therapist: “I’ll cancel all my appointments.”
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01-08-2023 17:22
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When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and slay dragons, not dishes and vacuuming.
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01-12-2023 00:25
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Moved the thermostat up one degree this morning as a little treat for the family.
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01-10-2023 01:36
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A mistake that makes you humble is better than an achievement that makes you arrogant.
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06-28-2022 23:42
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It’s called gross pay, because it’s disgusting to see what you could’ve made.
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01-06-2023 01:58
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