Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m like an avocado, I’m only pleasant for a short period of time and it’s up to you to figure out when that is.

   When you’re in psychology class and you learn about the disorder you have.

   You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

   I identify as a microwave dinner, because I’m ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I’m just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you’re desperate.

   Octopuses are just wet spiders.

   If you’re not happy single, try dating apps. You’ll still be single, but you’ll appreciate it a lot more.

   Gonna start a page called Older Fans, where it’s just me telling everyone what hurts today and what miniscule task I was doing that caused the pain. Today it’s: My back ~ The rain.

   Places finger on cop’s lips ~ “Shhh…. We were both speeding, okay? I forgive you.”

   Friendly reminder to put all current boyfriends and girlfriends at the edge of family photos so that they and easily be cropped out later.

   Keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain.

   When you’re tired of your cat showing you it’s butthole so you show it yours.

   Everyone I know is a “snack getting stuck in a vending machine” away from total collapse.

   When today’s safety meeting is about what you did yesterday.

   The only way I can catch errors in my messages, is to read them from my sent folder. 😏

   God Bless Rednecks! Merica!

   Therapist: “What brings you in today?” Me: Every time my husband puts the dishes away, he puts them in a different location. Therapist: “I’ll cancel all my appointments.”

   When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and slay dragons, not dishes and vacuuming.

   Moved the thermostat up one degree this morning as a little treat for the family.

   A mistake that makes you humble is better than an achievement that makes you arrogant.

   It’s called gross pay, because it’s disgusting to see what you could’ve made.