Funny Status Messages

   The word "goodnight" makes my 1-yr-old cry, so I've had to rewrite some bedtime stories. "Howdy, Moon!"

   I think my girlfriend misunderstood me when I asked if we could go to "the outback" tonight!

   Who the puck names their kid Wolfgang?

   I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss.

   farted in a closed lift: it was wrong on so many levels!

   Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.

   Cat's and dogs must be pretty stupid to just play with the same toy over and over as if it might do something new. Now go check your iPhones again....and again....and again.....

   Come on, who are you going to believe? Me or the background check?

   Though accurate, "I Need Sleep Or I'll Kill You," doesn't have quite the same ring as "Beauty Rest."

   To steal from one is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

   My “Sleep Number” is pretty much 24/7.

   Now remember, in a romantic passionate marriage no one wears the pants.

   Rum, Dr. Pepper, and the Curse of the Black Pearl. The end to a great weekend!

   Teenage pregnancy just dropped 50% due to the release of Madden12

   I always wondered something. Exactly how cool is a cucumber anyway?

   Your status leaves a bad taste on my eyes...

   thinking about how to integrate the lyrics "walk like an Egyptian" into another unique status update

   Where's Kanye West when you need him..

   Girls these days are chasing nuts like squirrels before winter.

   Music these days confuses me. I mean, are there really that many people out there throwing grenades at girls? I wasn't aware that this was an issue.