Funny Status Messages

   Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.

   has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

   After spending 20 minutes trying to get her bra off, I decided to give up. I wish I'd never put it on now...!

   Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

   The rest of the world is watching America like America watched Tiger King.

   . Since when do you need a ID to buy a box of cereal ?

   Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

   Keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

   I'm not worried about Werewolves, Vampires, Zombies or Haunted Hotels .... I'm worried about what real Human Beings will do to other Human Beings.

   It would be nice if Mexicans took some initiative and MadeMexicoGreatAgain

   Hangman is a great tool to teach children that if you can't spell a word, someone could lose their life because of their ignorance.

   As cold as it is outside, today might be a good day to double-up on my underwear.

   WebMD is so terrifying I just go directly to a casket website now.

   Don't You know what they say about Martini's?....Martini's are like T!tt!es.. 1's not enough and 3 too many!

   It's so cute how the outdoors try to compete with the internet.

   "i don't really like blow ups... they just don't do it for me." -overheard in the Christmas inflatables section of Target

   I picked up a bad habit of reading text messages, and then verbally responding to them, and then putting my phone away.

   I bet David Stern is rejecting this divorce and making Kobe and Vanessa stay married.

   The 4th rule of Fight Club is: Don't hit reply all to the Fight Club newsletter.

   beware the ides of march...