Funny Status Messages

   says Dear Mr. Vending Machine genius-Please do not place all the fragile delicate goodies (such as poptarts, cookies, chips) on the top two rows. Everytime a delicious munchy falls and prematurely break and angel loses its wings :'(

   Ever notice cops never say "Thanks for speeding and keeping us employed"? How rude. We do our part to keep jobs in America and they can't even say thanks. ;)

   I just finished putting up my Christmas lights...well actually all I had to do was turn them back on again, since they've been up all year anyway.

   Thanks jerry springer for making my life seem normal...

   "You're tall. Do you play basketball?" "You're short. Do you run under tables and kick people's shins?"

   How was it possible that the three bears had porridge all at different temperatures? Someone is lying.

   Its never too early to start drinking on Christmas day :)

   Fact:There will never be a movie or book called '' ''Think'' Like a Woman".

   The boss phoned and yelled "Are you still asleep?.... You should have been here two hours ago!" I said "Why... what happened two hours ago?"

   It'd be pretty messed up if the cure for cancer was in those end-slices of bread.

   My gangsta lean is just scoliosis.

   Most women conveniently forget their past, because they don't want to recall how many boyfriends they had.

   Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what?

   Do you think Hugh Hefner will kill himself and let his Exotic pets loose?

   My favorite coffee mug has a chip in it. My favorite shirt has a stain on it. My favorite jeans have a rip in them. My favorite CD has a skip in it. My favorite friend is you. I like things that are flawed, like me.

   The friend zone: where good soldiers go to die.

   Dear Yellow Pages delivery guy, Could you please just deliver those to my recycle bin......it'll save me a step.

   There is one vision that gives me constant happiness, your two enormous breasts

   LADIES: I don't mind if you wear the pants in our relationship, because if I'm doing it right, you won't have them on for long...

   I hear facebook is going to force everyone to use the new timeline. I don't think I really want to be able to go back on my posts and see how many times I had a bowel movement or sharted myself. I have skeletons in the closet to clean out!!