Funny Status Messages
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I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy. 
The famous 39lbs cat named Meow has died... When reached for comment Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid said Meow's death is CLEARLY a result of the Republicans WAR on CATS!
Gettin really tired of you emotional women on facebook. Stick some cotton in your crotch, eat a tub of ice cream, curl up to your body pillow, STFU and go to sleep
I hit a midgets car today. He got out of the car and said, "I am not happy." So I said, "Which one are you?"
when the Zombie Apacalypse happens (and it will) I'm going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. Yep, I'll be just fine.
The awkward moment when you accidentally call your teacher 'Mom.'
just caught a glimpse of the supermoon coming from behind the clouds.. It looked like..... the moon!
50% of my weirdness makes the other 50% creepy.
"Its my money and I need it now" I just wanna smack the sh*t out of J.G Wentworth!!!!
Damn...I'm having an out of money experience.
Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”
Never wait until a woman is fed up for you to start cherishing and appreciating her.
If a mime shoots you, must he use a silencer?
I hate being bi-polar. It's f@#king awesome!!!
So, if your wife is looking at job postings and says "Look honey, this one says I have exactly what they are looking for" and you reply "What, big boobs?". That is NOT the right answer...
Sometimes it takes a friend to tell you to get your head out of your ass, here's to you my friend!
Note to self; don't take a nap with worlds wildest police chases on.....you get some CRAZY dreams!
My Ouija board keeps saying "Boo! LOL J/K!" Stupid teenage ghosts.
Facebook is like a spouse: when you think you have it all figured out, it completely changes
Whoever said "It's what's on the inside that counts the most" never met my ex and experienced how full of sh!t she is. 