Funny Status Messages

   With all the people on my back, it's a miracle I can even walk.

   I don't need anger management... I need people to stop talking to me when I wake up.

   If I could live in any time period, it would have to be a mix of the 50s and the 80s and the future. So, Back to the Future Pt 2, basically.

   Reading your best friend's status and thinking, "Ha! I know exactly who that's about!"

   How are we suppose to have flying cars if we can't even get AM radio without static?

   The more I hear about other people's relationship drama, the happier I am that I'm single. :

   Those awkward car rides with people you barely know.

   Some people say I'm random. But who cares, chocolate is amazing.

   So Paula Deen has come out and said she has diabetes. All I need now is the Man vs. Food guy to have an acute myocardial infarction and the bizarre food guy to die of food poisoning and I win my “professional eating disorders” trifecta wager.

   In porn, large breasted women home alone order a LOT of pizza and never have money. They've lots to learn about nutrition & cash management.

   You'll never be the man your mother is.

   My parents would not let me watch any violent movies. Instead we played board games with questions like "Who murdered this guy with a candlestick?"

   I ate a kid's meal at McDonalds this morning . His mom was furious.

   I’m not a violent person, but I’d happily throat punch the person that decided baby clothes needed a minimum of 20 buttons.

   A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

   Anytime someone scrolls all the way to your first Facebook photo, you should get a notification. Or it should go straight to the police.

   There's no masculine way to eat a lollipop.

   Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous, but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown they’re all screaming.

   It's a contest to see which one can can outnumber the other: Covid variants or Rocky films.

   Feminism is like the Netherlands: it owes its existence to a network of dykes fighting the forces of nature.