Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good morning beautiful ladies "Muah" Good morning ugly ladies "Handshakes"

   Watched the show Ax men for the first time today, and was shocked when it wasn't about black men.

   Saw the pictures of the Hooters girls who were fired due to weight discrimination? Now I'm in the mood for Wings, Muffin Tops & Camel Toes

   What does Whitney Houston and Madonna and me have in common ... All of us didn't sing at the Super Bowl this year .

   before I pee in a public washroom, I try to erect just incase the dude beside me looks over so he will know never to look over again

   I think the tin man needs to back to see the wizard ,,what good is a heart sure he can love Dorothy but he has no willy..

   Things women find attractive: A man who leaves the room to pass gas so she wont feel tortured.

   My "host" friend called me fat and immature tonight. I didn't agree so I took a poo in her cats litter box.

   The phases of a Relationship: 1. ;-) 2. :-* 3. XOXO 4. XXX 5. EX

   I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

   With all the discounted Valentine's candy that's available, I like to call February 15th "Loner Halloween."

   Somebody just asked casually if I have a webcam, I can only assume they want to see my junk.

   This Corona hoax is the most I've ever seen my neighbors, I'm pretty sure they're all hooligans. Almost all of em wearing masks.

   When your greatest contribution to the world is peanut butter, it's time to face reality and take your proper place on the evolutionary chart.

   Steph Curry is hesitant about going to the White House and Trump takes away his invitation. Tom Brady doesn't go to the White House and Trump doesn't say a word.

   entering the doors of a chinease buffet and a little kid said, "daddy, I think I just heard a dog bark."

   being a die hard 80's fan I really hate what is going on with Brett Michaels. Doctors can't seem to find out what is going on in his head. They might want to check his other head. After Rock of Love all the answers could lie there.. Just sayin

   wish life was a bed of roses!!! I would do nothing but sleep all day!!!

   Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

   THEY SAY IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD, JUST MAKE SURE THEY ARE NOT HANGIN WITH THE VILLAGE IDIOT !!