Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Probably the coolest thing about dating me is knowing if we have sex I'll recite Wikipedia pages to help educate you.

   "Did you know you can make any quote seem legit if you put a famous person's name at the end?"-George Washington

   Pro tip: If there's no man in the pictures, there usually isn't a man in the picture...

   what do you call a fly without wings?

   : Fun fact, you can not hum while tightly pinching your nose.

   . Why is it that you park in a driveway, and drive on a parkway ?

   With Lynn Yaeger, we dont need a new Pennywise. She will scare you and steal your shoes.

   I call my girlfriend Crisco. She thinks it means she's white and smooth. It really means she's fat in the can.

   Good cooks don’t bake pies that taste like scented candles. cc: Darlene Van Der Pooten

   Just for the record: If your single and planning on asking me out this close to Christmas the only thing you'll be getting from me is a book, which will be do back at the libary just after the new years.

   There's something just really wrong about 2 for the price of 1 Valinetimes day cards that say "Nobody makes me smile like you do" :(

   Lets be honest and Like this status if your like me and play with the words you post like a can of Campbell's alphabet soup.

   Lies Told A Lot: "I didn't know anything." -Joe Paterno

   I've been calling him Drape this whole time. Now I hear the k. Drake. Got it. Not Drape.

   Pastor Steven Anderson needs so much Botox on his frowning forehead, even his god can't help him.

   Gary Glitter failed his driving test...he did too many minors.

   BLOCK ME & best believe I’m downloading that text free app. We ain’t done yet.

   In the summer it was to hot outside now it's to cold outside to take the Christmas lights down.

   Happy Valentines ay, ladies. Don't worry, you'll be getting the D soon.

   Daytona 500 at the Daytona International Speedway today. International? Really? Which car is the guy from Mumbai driving?