Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I asked Santa for Natalie Portman for Christmas. He said "No, you'll shoot her eye out".

   double ough seven

   FACT: A cat will blink when struck in the head with a hammer

   Non-religious people are idiots

   Next time someone calls you from a blocked pick up the phone and say "It's done but there is blood everywhere " then hang up

   Someone needs to hurry up and locate Tom Hanks before he makes "Castaway 2" in N. Alabama. Spoiler alert: Wilson is a talking pig.

   Chocolate makes dogs REALLY tired. Mine's been sleeping for three days!! I don't want to wake him... So cute!

   Aliens watching our media must assume we are being implored to show allegiance to our ruler, a mysterious entity named "Geico."

   An American walks into a Canadian grocery store , walks up tp the Juice section and says to His wife, Hey, These Canadians put Raisins in their Grape juice.

   I just found out Obama has been lying this whole time.......now..… I … I just … my whole life has been a lie.

   If my girl tell me she hanging with her guy friends I hope it's six of them so they can carry her casket.

   SARS was caused by CHICKENS right? Guess what...it was the year of the CHICKENS. H1N1 caused by PIGS well guess what...year of the PIGS. Next year is the year of the ROOSTER...Great !! I guess this illness will only affect the guys. were doomed!!

   heard Tiger Woods drive hit a sprinkler head and then went into the trees.

   If George Washington never told a lie, why is his picture on a dollar bill worth 38 cents?

   Can someone explain to me why I just bought a pack of Sweet Tarts and a sugar free drink?

   Just saw a commerical for the snuggie, I thought it was a stupid idea but I couldnt change the channel because my arms would get cold

   if you stand on your toilet your automatically high on pot!!!!

   I just saw a picture of Lady GA GA she has a nice Camel Toe ,I mean MOOSE KNUCKLE !!!!

   Hold up Biatch (┌'-')┌︻╦̵̵͇̿̿̿̿╤── \(‾- ‾\) where is my mutha fucckin sauce for my Mc. Nuggets!

   Hey old guy, could you possibly smell more like mothballs? Are you carrying some on you right now? Is your bedroom like a McDonald's ball pit, just filled to the waist with moth balls?