Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ya know, I am one for advancements in technology but honestly all this stuff that has been coming out lately is like a freaking stalker's wet dream!

   The coolest suicide would be to moisturize and not stop moisturizing until you become a tiny pond that fish and turtles live in

   If I get one more game or app request, or send me one more farmville request I will kill all your animals and burn your crops and smoke them, then delete your ass!!!

   that snow I see on the field? No, I guess it's just Madonna's skin cells.

   why I'm single: ☑ I can't date the Internet. ☑ I can't date my favorite celebrity. ☑ I can't date myself. ☑ I can't date music.

   Saddam Hussein ☑ - Osama Bin Laden ☑ - Louie walsh √ - Col. Gaddafi ☑

   What everyone hates to look out there window and see.... White

   I slept with an acrobat once. She was lousy in bed. It was like Cirque de So-So lay.

   realizes that sometimes the one you think is your knight in shining armour might actually turn out to be a retard in a tin foil.

   I am more bored than an Easter Bunny in December.

   I got so wasted this weekend I kept spilling drinks...all over the inside of my stomach.

   I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

   burned lots of calories tonday, otherwise known as "dinner". :)

   Earthquake- 1 ......my pants- 0 .....who knew that the earthquake would cause a mudslide.........

   So you saw my new boyfriend and ask me what happened to my standards? Well duh .. I raised them!!!

   Girl: oh sh*t you feeling real freaky so you brought whip cream cherries and the syrup Guy: no b*tch I just wanted a sundae!

   alright ladies! Lets sing a song! If you're drunk and you know it,c raise you shirt!

   Zombies with afros are attacking my monkey!

   it's not the heat, it's the humidity thats bothering me today

   February is Irony Month! I'm celebrating Irony Month by treating everyone equally, just like I do every month, because we're all human.