Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   IoT warning: my refrigerator just whispered to me my life would be better if I switch to satellite TV

   I see on Twitter that January 13 is National Rubber Duck Day. On Wikipedia I learned that this bill was signed into law by President Ford in 1975 after it barely squeaked through the senate.

   "Aww. You shouldn't have" is woman for "if you didn't, you better start praying"

   I lost money in the John Wayne toilet paper co. The T.P. was so ruff it wouldn't take sh*t off of anybody.

   I've been bad a few times this year, but it was worth it...you judgmental fat bastard!

   Somewhat, I was waiting to see if suddenly M&M's Bananas would show up on stage!

   atleast there wasn't a wardrobe malfunction."

   With the current "obese" status of our nation, today should be called #FatterTuesday...

   easy but criticizing gently on it shows the mark of a sensible personality.

   I believe it was a German who said "an empty anus makes the most sound..."

   I'm not stupid enough to pay for phone sex. But my boss on the other hand....

   I hate feeling bad about feeling good about feeling bad.

   Actions don't speak louder than my grandmother asking me about my hemorrhoids in a crowded elevator.

   What's happened with "Cover the Night" April 20 (world wide canvassing campaign for KONI 2012) ? I guess Jason Russell going to celebrate 4:20 another way.

   Mobile sex: push 1 for oral, 2 for anal, 3 for normal, 4 for a trio, 5 for SM and for everything ... dial my number!

   Sometimes. I don't understand women. Other times. They are sleeping.

   Me - "Siri... Write me a status!" Siri - "M... Don't tell me what to do!" Me - :(

   Q: What is the standard # of ppl you can have being blocked on FB? I wanna block all my ex(s)!

   I want to date a therapist. So I can talk about myself all day and I don't have to pay them to listen.

   It's all fun and games until she starts putting the dots at the end of her messages, you then know you've said something wrong.