Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank you exes I am the way I am because of u

   wants to point out that it's not my fault that I never could learn to accept responsibility.

   Go a whole year without wearing weave so I know its real.

   I wish I had a deity co-pilot. I don't even have an emergency contact.

   always a groomsmen, never sober

   I hate it when you're trying to watch proactive commercials but MTV shows keep interrupting.

   Why do people adopt insults that are directed at other people and take them personal, make them their own?

   Andy Rooney's college roommate/lifelong friend drops dead at the late legend's memorial service. BUT HE DID WIN THE BET!

   THUNDERSTICK 5000: Replacing boyfriends since... ummm... gee... (scratches head)... ummm... (Googles)... well, ummmm... way before xbox!

   You're my girl to the fullest. If you're shootin' up the place, I'm bringing the bullets.

   It's been said that Revenge is a dish best served cold, well in that case I best open up a Delicatessen.

   I Could never live in the country..unless theres a 7-11 real close.

   Some people act like they love me and I act like I love them too.

   I used to think that the 2 separate things that irritated me most in life were: 1) Stupid People and 2) Traffic. That was until I witnessed stupid people driving in traffic, then it's HYSTERIA.

   Ladies, want to test your man's love and devotion? Need to know if your man is commited to you're relationship? Ask him to add a line on his Cell Phone account...nothing says love and commitment like a 2 year contract! ;-)

   I wish my farts would make people disintegrate like in "The Darkest Hour" movie trailer.

   Oops. Out of milk. Guess who's having disappointment for breakfast...:(

   In the ghetto they have roaches answering doors for them.

   My girlfriend asked me if a fleshlight lights up like a flashlight because it would be a great dual purpose tool. I can't argue that.

   Santa is that a toy in your bag or are you just happy to se me..