Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just texted my boss "I think my computer's broke Boss replied: "Just give it to the IT guy" Me: "okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck Clown.

   Just bought a thesaurus at Goodwill, I got home to discover all the pages are blank, I have no words to describe how angry I am...

   The media that got everything wrong will now tell you what will happen now that what they said wouldn't happen happened. Think about that for a minute...

   It seems Michael Moore attained, at least partially, one of the two things he desperately needs, which is humility. We can only hope the other will soon be forthcoming....a bath.

   *rides off into the sunset...... *rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock....... *rides off into the sunset......

   I think this Christmas Eve it would really be nice if we all went over to MySpace to wish Tom a Merry Christmas ....... poor guy.

   The people who insist you say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" are just trying to Police Navidad.

   This is how my week goes: moooooooooooonday.. tuuuuuuuuuuuesday... weeeeeeeeeednesday... thuuuuuuuuuursday.. fridaysaturdaysunday....

   Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.

   March 4th, the only day of the year that actually tells you to go do something.

   So, when does Jill Stein announce her Kickstarter campaign to fund Meals on Wheels?

   My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

   Now that the Raiders are moving to Las Vegas if they get more than 21 points in a game they automatically lose

   My wife stepped out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the damned drain is clogged again."

   Being stuck in the'' friend zone'' is like a potential employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he eventually hired

   From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

   The new name should be "The Team Formerly Known as The Redskins"

   I just dumped a pack of M&M’s into my mask and am slowly eating them like a horse

   You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

   Anyone else feel like Halloween is unnecessary this year? I mean I’ve been wearing a mask and eating candy for the last seven months. I don’t think I need a day dedicated to it anymore.