Funny Status Messages
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"This is all your fault!" my wife moaned this morning. "What the hell have I done now?" I asked her. "Give me a chance to think," she said, "I've just woke up." 
Love how Disney movies teach you that you can be anyone you want, as long as it's a princess.
Above and beyond? I mostly go below and around.
fml...I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there...
Thank you to the Emmy Awards for reminding me why I don't watch television.
All I'm saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria?
Welcome to Twitter if you are not already following a mom who drinks wine, one will be assigned to you....
Kim Kardashian held at gunpoint and made to put her clothes back on.
All I’m saying is now might be a good time to check the Paris pawn shops for some good deals on jewelry.
I want to be something really scary for Halloween. So, for this year, I'm dressing up as 3% phone battery.
I'm pretty sure I just heard the lady on the Clorox commercial tell me I can use their product to clean up a murder.
I'm sure glad there isn't a microphone around to record every thing I say in private.
My sex tape is 30 minutes of me trying to get back on the floaty I fell off of in the pool.
I think I promised to have three beers, and be home by ten. I always get those two mixed up.
If you want to work for a company that makes moisturiser, the best thing to do is to apply daily.
Pringles: The only chip company that doesn’t sell air.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose. DENTIST: That's an egg beater.
If I end up getting the Coronavirus, I’d prefer to have it on the beach with a lime
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.
When I was a kid, my parents could only afford a secondhand calculator which was missing the 'X' button. Times were hard. 