Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girl says "if you dont like what I post then dont read it or delete me", now I'm getting messages in my inbox from the girl not understanding why I deleted her.

   Anyone know the price of Subway footlongs? Wished they tell us somehow

   Our Grandpa died of a V!agra overdose,,, and to this day, we still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper...

   I just had an epifanny. I realized I can't spell epifanny.

   Boobs are like the sun, you can only take quick glances, but wear sunglasses and you can look until the world ends.

   Politicians should wear uniforms like NASCAR so we can see who their corperate sponsors are.

   I think I owe my right hand a Valentines Day card!

   found a squirrel trapped in a birdfeeder and can't help but feel like I should leave it in there a few hours to think about what he has done

   Thanks to the State Farm Insurance Commercial now I want a Falcon

   Because it's the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you're welcome

   Hey, insurance companies instead of having a commercial on TV every 10 minutes can you just cover some of my medical bills?

   Some mornings it's best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.

   A 24 hour weather channel? Why? We had the same thing like that when I was growing up... it was called a window...

   I like how none of the "robbers" on that Vonage commercial are black. Way to dodge that bullet, Vonage.

   wondering if there is such a thing called the "WHINE" flu... If so I am pretty sure my kids have it

   feeling like George Washington on a $1 bill... real single.

   There are two things I do at the ATM - deposit and withdraw. I don't even check my balance, because it's on the receipt. So, for the love of God, can someone please tell me what the douche in front of me has been doing for the past 10 minutes???

   I'm an organ donor, but I'm pretty sure all they're going to use is my liver for "after" photos.

   This guy posted pics of his girl on a forum - I'm not saying she's ugly, it just looks like she dives face first into gravel for a hobby. He mentioned the camera settings were a bit off... I was thinking the best camera setting would've been "off."

   There are 70 ways to make a woman happy. 1 is shopping and then do the rest. If you know what I mean.